i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize