Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Randomize