apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I think my moral compass just broke
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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