Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
