Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
