She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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