the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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