I want to walk on stilts...naked
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Randomize