Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
