dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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