So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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