i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
