i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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