yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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