Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
