you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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