Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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