I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize