My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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