I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
