I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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