I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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