FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
