every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
