we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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