I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize