that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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