Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
