Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
