I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
