i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
