I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Everything about him screamed your future.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
