Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
