i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
