Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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