my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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