so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
