he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
last night I used snow as a chaser
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
