They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
