Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
