Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
