im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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