i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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