well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
