but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
