I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
