are you so shy because you have an std?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
