also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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