This is not my ceiling
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
