Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
