you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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