I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
