On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
