guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
