You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
