i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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