he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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