I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
