no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize