I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
