my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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