Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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