You made me cry and you don't even care
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
