Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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