Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
