My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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