i would punch a child for taco bell
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
