Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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